At lunchtime, my 4.5 year old daughter wanted leftover macaroni and cheese, my husband wanted her to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and they compromised on a ham and cheese sandwich.
She ate all of the cheese then asked to be excused. My husband leaned over the counter towards her and told her that she should eat the bread and the ham because he worked hard on the sandwich and it hurts his feelings that she's not eating it.
I spoke up that I did not believe emotional guilt should be a reason to eat and that instead he could say he wants to make sure she doesn't get hungry later in the afternoon when she's at the museum with grandma or that he wants her to eat a balanced meal.
He leaned back and angrily asked if I wanted to give him a list of what he can say to his daughter. She nibbled on some bread and my husband told her “Good Job!” and then she was able to go wash hands and play.
Later, during some kid-free time, we talked about it. I said that words matter and asked what he was trying to teach her, said children should not be responsible for adult emotions and especially not in the context of overriding their appetite.
He said he was trying to teach her empathy/teach her that her actions can affect other's feelings (his feelings truly were hurt) and he could tell she wasn't full because she had asked for more cheese earlier. He also defended that he did not use the words “clean your plate."
We ended the conversation with me in the wrong for both my perspective and voicing it in front of the children. But after some time, it's not sitting right with me – so I want some outsider perspectives. Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read.
rexmaster2 said:
It's too young for him to be guilt-tripping a child in order to manipulate them into something. She would've eaten more, if he had just reheated the Mac and cheese. This is the great time to start teaching a child empathy. However, this is not how he should've gone about doing it.
GigglesAndGlutes said:
It is developmentally inappropriate to teach a 4.5 year old empathy by making her feel responsible for her father's hurt feelings over not eating, especially when it concerns her bodily autonomy and appetite.
DetectiveClear6734 said:
NTA. Just because you don’t use those exact words doesn’t mean you’re not doing damage by saying something else. He’s not teaching her empathy by telling her she hurt his feelings for not eating the sandwich, he’s just making her clean her plate in a different way. You’re right.
Curious_Bookworm21 said:
NTA. Your husband was being super weird about lunch. Let her eat the stupid Mac and Cheese and keep it moving.
tinaescobar228 said:
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up. Why couldn’t she have Mac n cheese? Also how is making your child a sandwich with three ingredients hard work?
Fragrant-Duty-9015 said:
NTA, for your stance but should be said away from the kids. I agree with you that his approach is teaching the wrong lesson and it’s also concerning that his feelings were hurt because a 4 year old didn’t want a sandwich, after she clearly only wanted cheese. Why couldn’t she have the mac and cheese anyway? Also questionable that he worked hard on a ham sandwich.