My mom died 5 years ago days before I (29m) was due to get married. 2 years ago my dad started dating someone else and he married her 8 months ago. My wife was pregnant with our son at the time. He's 6 months old now. And when I go to my dad's house or when they come to visit I'll say grandpa and "Jane" to my son, because we do like to talk to him and say who people are.
It came up the other day that my dad and "Jane" don't like that they're grandpa and Jane instead of grandpa and grandma. My dad told me they had hoped/assumed that she would be more than just grandpa's wife. And he said by using her name only to my son I'm encouraging him not to see her as his grandmother but instead as grandpa's wife.
He asked if that was intentional and I said yes. I told him she's not my son's grandma and I don't want to encourage him to see her that way. I said it's nothing personal but she's not mom and other than my wife's mom there is no other grandma.
Jane's feelings were hurt by my stance because she has no children or grandchildren of her own and apparently she imagined a much closer relationship to me and any future children of mine when she and dad started dating. She said her wish wasn't to become my mom but to take on matriarchal role in the family and to become grandma to any grandkids.
She said instead she feels like I am a mere acquaintance and that I view her as nothing more than the lady married to my dad. That is how I see her and I told her it was nothing against her or my dad remarrying either. But I'm an adult who is not dependent on dad and she came around years after I moved out and I do not see her in a matriarchal position in my family or as a new grandparent for my children.
I told her that will always be for my parents and my wife's parents. My dad and Jane told me I need to reconsider because it would be better for everyone if Jane can be a grandparent and she can be treated like a true member of the family and not just an in-law or someone there because of marriage alone. AITA?
VurukaSalt said:
I absolutely loved my grandpa and we weren’t related.
just_jt12 said:
Eh, you’re allowed to feel however you do, but I’m here to tell you that your kid(s) will give her whatever name they feel like and you won’t be able to change their minds. That being said, it feels a little personal that you’re insisting Jane be called Jane.
That will be your children’s grandmother for all intents and purposes. That doesn’t mean you don’t talk about your mom and call her grandma. Maybe give Jane a different nickname, like Mimi or something. Then your mom is always grandma.
bean094 said:
I grew up with Grandpa and Grace. I never met my grandma so Grace was someone i grew up with and loved. When you went to Grandpa’s and was to see them both she played with us gave us treats but was always Grace and it worked. We didn’t treat her differently than Grandpa since she was always there. I am not sure why so many people are focused on titles.
Puzzleheaded_Set8512 said:
NTA. My father remarried and we have a lovey name for his wife that I and my children call her, she cut my youngest's umbilical cord, she isn't blood but she's family. She never had children but she is very dear to us. Perhaps you can make room in your heart to love who your father loves and allow your children to as well.
Sufficient-Task-8880 said:
NTA. My grandma (mom's mom) died when she was 18 . My grandpa had his special lady friend before I was born. She came to all family events and they did everything together.
I honestly don't know if they were married or not as no one ever said, but it was always grandpa and Betty. She was a wonderful woman everyone loved, but to my recollection, no one (none of the 9 grandkids or 18 great grandkids), ever called her grandma.
No_Shop1599 said:
I mean I guess your NTA but neither is she. It sounds like she’d like to be closer to you and your current and future children. Is there some reason you don’t want to try and have a good relationship with her? It in no way takes away from your mother if you care about her. I’d reconsider if she’s a genuinely kind person who only wants to be close to you.